A Word About Content

This is a blog written by a woman with PTSD from a history of childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect. Because of this, please note that the poems and essays posted here could potentially be triggering to others. Read accordingly.

If you have a similar history, I urge you to seek help and support. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

Love, Maggiemorphosis

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Emergence

Emerging,

they call me.

It’s a nice word,

tidy.

It elides right over the chaos

depression made of my life.

Makes the electric shitshow

of  coping mechanisms

and bad decisions

Sound like a beautiful transformation.

Emerging.

I am a fucking butterfly

and all those tears I shed

over men and heartbreak

were my liquid chrysalis.

And not a mental health crisis.

Emerging.

Emerging from the darkness.

Emerging into the light.

Never Look Back

They never look back.

Men.

Have you noticed?

Once you’ve said goodbye

they look forward.

Away.

It’s that hunter’s gaze they all claim to have.

As if, once you’re out of direct view,

they’ve forgotten you ever were.

There.

How do I know this?

I always look back.

Hoping I’ve finally found another person who wishes our connection could last.

Just a little longer.

This isn’t my fight

This isn’t my fight

My body has become a battlefield.

Do not wage YOUR war in my flesh.

I welcomed you in with open arms

(and legs).

Why did you only bring your rage with you?

I am not her.

She is not all women.

It’s my fault for not building a stronger fortress.

Question and Answer

Question and Answer

It’s a strange thing.

You’ve never said so,

of course,

That you can’t seem to allow even the

Possibility

of me in your heart.

So why is it

Every time we’re together

You leave a mark on my body?

Are you claiming it as yours?

Or are you really just that careless?

Don’t answer that,

love.

I told you I felt unbreakable.

I was wrong.

After the Hurricane

After the Hurricane

I never intended to keep her.

I just wanted to try her on,

My shiny new toy.

You have to understand:

She was so beautiful.

She put out this light-

Her love was radiant-

Her eyes shone,

Reflecting back at me

Everything I’ve ever wanted to see.

I never intended to keep her.

I wondered what it would feel like,

To chain her heart to my feet

And make it dance only for me.

What it would feel like

To take all that love she has to give

And lock it in a cage.

Make it only for my use.

I never intended to keep her.

When the chase was done

And she was mine:

I ripped off her wings.

Just because I could.

Just because she let me.

Because her light, her love,

Weren’t quite enough

To fill that void inside me.

I made her MINE.

I let myself bask in her light.

I took her to dark places.

My poor, wounded little bird,

My elemental beauty.

I caught her with words of love

But, reader, trust me-

I never intended to keep her.

When I was done

And her light was dim

And her heart was tired from the dance

I threw her away.

I have to move on to the next one

I never intend to keep.

When you lose again

When you lose again

You can’t lose something

That you never really had.

But try telling that to your heart

When it’s breaking.

And you don’t recognize the noises

Coming out of your own throat.

They sound like an animal’s,

And not the roar of a lion

Or the scream of a hawk.

No.

The sounds you make are

The mew of a kitten

The squeak of a mouse

Something small and helpless

And totally unlike the Strong Woman

You wear as a suit of armor.

You can’t lose someone

That you never really had.

And I dare you to tell that to your heart

As it’s breaking.