All things considered, I’m pretty lucky. My PTSD is pretty well controlled; I don’t have many flashbacks anymore (although just typing that word can still be a trigger). I don’t think my hyper-vigilance is ever going away.
It makes being out in the world pretty interesting. Hell, it makes being at home interesting too.
I never know when some seemingly tiny thing is going to make my lizard brain take over and activate the mental klaxons. Or maybe just quote Robot from Lost in Space.
This poem comes from that uncertainty. How something as ordinary as making eye contact can trigger so many different responses from me.
In a Stranger’s Eyes
Meeting a stranger’s eyes
Is a game of chance
Will we share a joyful smile;
The sheer bliss of being free?
Will we slide our eyes away;
Rejecting any chance of connection?
Will our eyes lock,
And will we feel that human spark?
*** -OR- ***
Am I suddenly
Locked in an old terror
Choking on a feeling
I thought was buried and gone