6 useful phrases for every parent:
“Don’t walk around barefoot in the yard! You’ll get ringworm and die.”
“You fell off the jungle gym and landed on your head, and now your head is bleeding? I guess we’ll go to the ER. Don’t sit on the couch!”
“It’s nice to see you too, Maggie, but right now I need a drink. You can fix your own dinner.”*
“Yes, I know she’s drawing on her walls with blood. She just wants attention.”
“After consulting Dr. Internet about your sleep meds, it turns out they might have caused your hallucinations. Your father flushed them down the toilet.”**
“You haven’t felt well enough to eat breakfast all week. Are you fucking pregnant?”***
Bonus phrase for when your child is small and lonely:
“That older man who hangs out alone with you on the playground has started telling you dirty jokes and wants you to come to his house? Seems legit.”****
*Sure can! But because I’m 7 it’s going to be a cold hotdog and carrot sticks. Mmm, well-balanced diet.
**This might have been the right call, but I dunno, maybe talk to a real medical professional first?
***No. But thanks for the compassion.
****Luckily, my Uncle wasn’t a fucking moron and told me that this dude’s behavior was shady and that I should stay away from him and definitely never go to his house. I keep meaning to thank him for that, but how do you even have that conversation?