Coming Home to Myself

Beach Ice

I braved the cold and went for a walk on the beach this morning. Every time I test myself against the harshest elements of winter, I feel strong. Like I’ve come home to myself.

It was absolutely frigid; my thighs went numb right away despite my long coat.

There were chunks of ice littering the beach that had been thrown out by the waves. It was like walking on broken glass.

I had the beach to myself. I turned my face to the sun, and let my heart crack open a little. The shore of Lake Michigan in the winter felt like the safest place to do so. I was deeply in touch with myself, and strong enough to handle what came up.

I am afraid to be quiet and alone in my new home. I am afraid that I’m not strong enough to face the challenges ahead in the next year.

I am afraid that ending my marriage was the wrong choice. He was one of my best friends- he still is, in fact. I was so tired of struggling to get him to be kind to me. Of swallowing my voice to avoid conflict, of feeling like I wasn’t accepted as fully human by him; being his project to “fix”. Yet, I am still afraid of losing that connection.

I am falling for Hurricane. In my head, I know that it’s a bad idea. I know that I am not even close to the life I want to build for myself. I know that neither of us is in a place to truly commit to another person. My heart won’t listen though. With the next look, or word, or touch, I fear that I’m a goner.

Standing on that beach, I knew, deep in my being, that I can let all of these feelings wash over me. These fears can buffet me like waves on the shore, they can and will change the shape of me. But I will endure. I will emerge from this eternal winter of the soul. I will go on.

Beach Ice 2

Continue reading “Coming Home to Myself”

Blocked

Blocked

I go to put the camera to my eye

My pen to paper

My fingers to the guitar strings

And it hurts.

I have cracked open

I’m bleeding on the floor

-An embarrassment-

To strong women everywhere.

My loneliness

A stamp of failure

I wear on my heart.

When I dare to venture out

I leave a trail of destruction

In my wake

Along with tiny pieces of my soul.

Please,

Watch where you step.


Continue reading “Blocked”

Every Sunrise Week 13

Hi! So, it’s been a really long time since I posted on this blog. That’s because my personal life has imploded. I am in a lot of pain and felt pretty blocked creatively. I’m ready to come back. Or, if not ready, I’m ready to try.

As always, if you’re having a hard time, please try to keep going. Please reach out and ask for help. It really is worth it. (US) (International)


12/30/15

12/31/15

1/2/16

Continue reading “Every Sunrise Week 13”

Every Sunrise Week 12

I’m not gonna sugarcoat things. I am in pain right now. I feel like I’m made of glass and all of you are watching me shatter. These are some of the lowest times of my life. I can barely think. Poetry? Forget it.

I move into my new place this week, hopefully once I feel like I have a home again the words will come back.

Despite how horrible I feel right, how scared, I have no reverted to suicidal thoughts. Yes, I am depressed and spending a lot of time escaping online. But I want to live. I want you to live too.

So if you’re having a hard time right now. If things don’t feel survivable, please try again. It’s worth it. Call for help. (International) (US) Continue reading “Every Sunrise Week 12”

Every Sunrise Week 11

It’s hard to believe I’ve been doing these posts for almost three months. Time flies…

So, I’m having a really hard time right now. Spouse and I are separating, I’ll be spending Christmas alone this year. Packing. At least being an atheist means that I’m only missing out on opening presents and eating too much food.

This is going to be a hard week for a lot of you too, I’m sure. Just know that you aren’t alone. Know that there are people out there who can help you. Know that there are people out there (me!) who want you to stay and try again. Call if you need to. International US Continue reading “Every Sunrise Week 11”

Nothing Left to Fight

If you’re going through hell, keep going… -Winston Churchill

You could walk straight through hell with a smile -The Script, “Hall Of Fame”

Nothing Left to Fight

Where did all my anger go?

The righteous rage that warms me in the night?

Where’s my sure conviction

That I’m absolutely right?

Where’s my Lion heart

That chose me for this fight?

 

Everything is crumbling

My star is slowly dying

I find myself in free fall

From my attempt at flying.

 

Everything around me

Turned to ash and dust

A heart once fiercely beating,

Now consumed by rust.

 

Where, where the warrior?

Where the soldier, brave?

Where the unconquerable woman

Whom she, herself, would save?

 

Now she sleeps her life away,

Or would if sleep would come.

She’ll live to fight another day

Or else she’s finally come undone. Continue reading “Nothing Left to Fight”

Every Sunrise Week 10

Things are still really hard for me right now. I think they will be until I’m settled in my new place and can find a new rhythm to my life. In the meantime, I’m holding it together as best I can. And reminding myself that it’s okay to be human.

If you’re having a hard time, if you’re feeling desperate and alone, please know that there’s help out there. Please call someone. Please try again. US¬†International

Continue reading “Every Sunrise Week 10”

Every Sunrise Week 9

The mornings this week have been so gloomy. Also, my personal life is in the shitter. The fact that I’m still getting up every day and getting most of the things done that really need doing is a sign of how far I’ve come from the woman who was ready to end her life out of desperation and hopelessness.

I am so very grateful for that final spark of self-love that kept me in the world that day. Yes, things are incredibly hard right now. I still find moments of happiness and hope. I know this is survivable.

If you are having a hard time, please call someone. (International) (US) Please stay in the world with us. Continue reading “Every Sunrise Week 9”

Pulling Down

Pulled Down

You dug your claws into my ankles,

Your hooks into my soul.

I will rip them out

If you will not let go.

For years I have been begging

For kindness and support

You responded with derision

You laughed in my face

And dug in deeper.

I spread my wings to fly

And you yanked me back down

To this special little hell.

Well.

I won’t play your game

And I am done

Being pulled down. Continue reading “Pulling Down”